Episode:A Friend in Need/Script
Louise: Thanks for helping me with the groceries, Diane. How about coming for a cup of coffee? Diane: No, thanks, Louise. I better not. Louise: Why not? You sprang for the cokes in the laundry room, isn't it? Diane: Yeah. Louise: And I always say there are 2 things that are no fun at all unless you've got company. And the other one was drinking coffee. Diane: Okay, well why not. Hey, didn't you hear about Mr. Schneider getting mugged in the park last night? Louise: No, but what was he doing in the park last night anyway? Diane: He's exercising his police dog. Louise: Oh that's me. Oh-oh-oh. Oh! Diane: I'll get these. You get the phone. Louise: Oh, thanks Diane. Mr. Bentley: Aha! You're misses Isaac Netwon I presume. Diane: No, i'm miss Diane Stockwell. Mr Bentley: Well, how'd you do? Actually I should knew made that joke because gravity is no laughing matter, is it? No, I can see it easy. Here, let me help you. Diane: Thank you. Mr. Bentley: Ah, I don't believe we met. I'm Harry Bentley. You live in the building? Diane: No, but thanks for the compliments. I'm a maid. I work some of the family in this building. You saw I met for a cup of coffee with my friend. Mr. Bentley: Well, that's nice. And then you know the Jeffersons, huh? Diane: No, just their maid Louise. Mr. Bentley: A maid? Oh, I think you. Louise: Come put the groceries in the kitchen, Diane. Diane: Oh this is a real nice apartment. It sure is done in good taste. Louise: Oh, thank you. Diane: It is all right. Would you like to come in like this. Your boss like ain't likely to come back unexpected. Louise: Boss? The day I called George boss is the day they'll invite Lester Maddox to a Harlem block party. Diane: Called George to his face? Louise: Not always. Sometimes I called him loudmouth. Diane: He let you talk to him like that? Louise: Sure, what would you doing if your husband gets up in your face? Diane: Husband!? I thought you was talk about your employer. Louise: Huh? Diane: Thanks. Oh, it sure is nice somebody like you talking to me. Some of the maid around here is so snooty you think they own apartments is. Louise: Oh, really? Diane: You better believe it, honey. I ain't got time for stock up folks 'cause their noses so high in there they can't even smell their own mouthwash. George Jefferson: Louise! Diane: Who's that? Louise: Oh, one of the higher noses in his parts. George: Weez. Oh, hi. Diane: Hi. Louise: Uh, George, this is Diane Stockwell. Diane, this is my husband, George. George: If you're in the Avon lady, I think it's too late. Louise: He's a great joker sometimes he's even funny. Diane: You both y'all live here? George: Uh-huh. Someplace, ain't it? Diane: Yeah, I didn't know the Jeffersons had a couple. George: Couple of what? Diane: Maid and a Butler, you two. George: Butler? Louise: Butler? Diane: Yeah, that must be real rich. George: Hold it, Diane, we are the Jeffersons. Diane: Hey, you're right, Louise. He's a great joker. Louise: He's not joking, Diane. Diane: Oh you got to be kidding. How can you afford to live in a place like this? You ain't tall enough to be no basketball player. George: Say what? Diane: You too old for a rock and roll singer. George: Look, this is our apartment. Diane: Then you got to be a number runner. I'm gettin' out of here. George: No hold-hold-hold it, I don't want nothin' to except my own business. Louise: That's true, Diane. He's owns in his cleaning stores. George: Including one downstairs. Diane: Oh, i'm sorry. Excuse me. Louise: Uh, Diane, wait, wait, Diane, what's the matter? Diane: Well, I thought you was a maid like me. George: You a maid? Louise: Yes, what difference does that make? George: Maid. Why ain't you ever maidin' someplace? Louise: Don't mind him, Diane. Diane: No, it does make any difference. Mr. Jefferson is right. Louise: Mr. Jefferson? It's George, Diane. George: She was right for the first time, Mr. Jefferson. Diane: I better be going. Thanks for the coffee. Louise: Uh, uh, wait, promise you drop in tomorrow when having another cup of coffee with me. I want us to be good friends. Diane: Well, I will if I can. Bye, Mr. Jefferson. George: You hear that, Louise? She call me Mr. Jefferson. Louise: Mrs. Louise. Two can play at that superior jazz. Diane is my friend. George: No, she's not. She's domestic. Louise: You make it sound like a disease. George: Facts of Life, Louise, you own an apartment in a building she's a maid. Louise: Now hold it right there, Buster. Ain't you forgetting where you came from? George: It ain't the question where I came from, it's the question where i am. You are east side and she is west side. And I don't want no crosstown traffic in my kitchen. Louise: George, the Lord create equal everybody. Except in your case he quit work before he got in your head. George: Now, look, Weezy now... Louise: Now just because we are moving up, is no reason why we have to look down on people. George: I'm not gonna tell you to look down on nobody, i'm just saying to shift your angle, and let them start looking up to you. Look, Louise, i've done good by you, right? And I hope something Diane's husband will be by her. But in the meantime, she is where is belongs in the kitchen. Louise: And you're gonna be where you belong in the doghouse. George: Look, I wear the pants in the zipper. Louise: And when you zip 'em up, includes your mouth. You better pray this is the U.S. Cavalry. Mr. Bentley: Hello. I think this is one of yours. Louise: Oh. Mr. Bentley: Yes and uh hiding in the corner of making its bruise for a little chap. Louise: Huh? Mr. Bentley: Oh it's a nasty bruise, you see? Now I shouldn't put that in the others as I were you. You know what they say about one rotten apple. Louise: Oh, I know. It spoils the whole barrel. Mr. Bentley: Ah, Mr. Jefferson, I like that you're here. You wouldn't have back to take a walk on a back, will you? George: What's with you use in the backwalker? Mr. Bentley: Oh, it's acting up again. Louise: What's that? Mr. Bentley: A couple of steps I believe. It's something about the way you do it. It's amazing. That's it. Oh, that's lovely yes. Doing a wonderful rhythm in your feet. Louise: George! He doesn't know what he's saying. Mr. Bentley: Ah, you done it again, thank you. George: Say Bentley, since you're here, maybe you settle discussion we've been having. In England: you can people make friends with your maids. Mr. Bentley: Sure, yes, my best friend it was my nanny. Wonderful woman nanny. Use to tell me fairy tales by the hour of while I sit on her lap and pull the hairs out of her chins. Well, thanks again. Absolutely splendid, yeah. I'm a new man. Goodbye. George: That's a weird dude there. Louise: Okay, George. George: Now hold it. I know you think i'm wrong is what i'm doing. Of all i'm trying to do is nice for you. Now get your coat and i'll take you out to lunch. Louise: I don't have time, i've got the windows to clean. George: You don't have to do that. Louise: Oh, no? Well I can hear your mother now. Such a lovely view, George. What a pity the dirty windows stop you from seeing it. George: Just hire a maid coming one day a week we can afford it. Louise: I don't need a maid. George: Look, you want to see Diane, right? Louise: Of course I do. George: Well she's a maid, hire her. Louise: I can't hire her, Diane is a friend of mine. George, remember Lionel was growing up? And I did domestic work twice so week. You wanna help out? George: Yes. Louise: Remember the folks I work for? It was all yes ma'am, no ma'am. Now how can I ask Diane to say yes ma'am to me? George: Because now you're the ma'am. That's the way life goes, Weezy. Look, some people got to be the ma'ams and the rest are the mammies. Louise: I am not going to ask my friend to work for me. And for the last time, George, I do not want a maid. George: Yes you do. Louise: I do not. George: I'm ordering you to hire a maid. Louise: You're not ordering me. George: I'm telling you. Louise: I don't want a maid. Lionel: Hey, hey-hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! I heard you blocking the hallway. What you fighting about now? George: Your mother's actin' like a crazy woman again. Out of the goodness of my heart I offered to get her maid to help i'll keep the place clean. And she goes off into wild hysterics. Lionel: It sounds like a good idea to me, mom. I mean Jenny's parents held is propably just like this held a maid. George: Only one? Well, I figure the Willis had three million. Lionel: Three? George: Well, I figure black one Mr. Day, and white one is Mrs. Night and the plaid one for Jenny. Louise: Now, George, you know i'm all right, I promise you. George: Quiet! I ain't got no time to be arguing. I got the business to be take up. Now you're gonna get a maid and that's it. Louise: There's only one way we don't have a maid and that's over my dead body. George: Good! And she can clean up the mess. Louise: And then when Lionel told George you had a maid and I didn't stand a chance. Helen: Relax, Louise. Having a maid isn't the worst thing in the world. Louise: But I told George I didn't want a maid, he's not gonna push me around. Tom: Then get a divorce. Louise: Huh? Tom: You heard, Louise, all you have to do is stand up and say Your Honor, I want a divorce on the grounds that my husband is forcing me to have a maid. And after they release you from Bellevue. Helen: Funny is funny. Louise: What am I gonna do? George called an employment agency and tomorrow i'm going to be conducting interviews. Helen: You know what's really bothering you, Louise? You feel guilty about spending the money. Louise: Well I can't help it. It's the way I was brought up: a penny saved is a penny earned. Helen: A penny? Ha! You know who made those things up, don't you? Rich people to keep poor people happy about being poor. That god got plenty of nothing, nothing's plenty for me. Tom: # Land a moon belongs to everyone # # The best things in life are free # Like food rent clothing. Helen: That's right and I got no checkbooks, got no banks, # still i'd like express my thanks # Helen and Tom: # I got the sun in the morning and the moon at night # Tom: Did you ever try living on sunshine? Helen: They toss in jail, you tried living on moonshine. Louise: Okay, okay, so i've been brainwashed. But how can I change after all these years? Helen: Tom, didn't you say I wanted a coke? Tom: Did I? Oh, yes, of course I did. Helen: Sit down, Louise. I'd like to share someting with you. Something I had to learn myself. Honey did you know that it is possible to have a lot of money and still enjoy life? Louise: Oh, honey I had a lifetime of being poor. Take shopping, all of my life i've only bought three kinds of dresses, 50% off, seconds, and going out of business. Helen: You'll get use to it, Louise. All you've got to do is learn three little words: i'll take it. Louise: But first: I have to forget four big words: how much is it? I always thought that money could solve all our problems. But i've had more fights with George in the last week than i've had in the past 20 years. I'm beginning to think the bible is right. Money is the root of all evil. Tom: Oh money was knew in biblical days, they didn't know much about it. I go with George Bernard Shaw, the lack of money is the root of all evil. Louise: My George. But my George says the same thing only he puts it differently, he says being broke stinks. Tom: Hi, there, George. Helen: Hi. George: What are you two doing here? Tom: Basking and the warmth of welcome. George: Well, if you two baskers will excuse me, i'm gonna mix myself a drink. Louise: Oh, George! Helen: It's all right, Louise, we're leaving. George: Oh I hope it's not on my account. Helen: I can't think of a better reason. Louise: Helen, Tom, wait. George, I invited them, they're our guests, so you be nice! George: Okay. Good night and have a nice evening. Louise: You hear that? And this is the man that you said was right. George: Who said I was right? Tom: We did. We agree with you. That Louise should have help around the house. George: Oh you took my side huh? Helen: Yes heaven helpless. Good night. George: Hey, wait-wait-wait a minute, you're right. You just got here. Sit down. Sit on down, relax. Tom: Oh-ho, well-ell-ell, see how easy it is to get along with in, Helen. Just agree with everything he says. George: Well i'm glad you two finally straighten Louise out. Louise: Nobody's straightened me out. I don't want a maid and I still get goose pimples thinking about those interviews. Helen: Hey, why don't you share our maid? She only works for us twice a week. George: Twice a week? We don't want to use maid. We're gonna get our own maid, full-time five days a week. Louise: Five days a week, are you crazy? This morning you said once a week. George: Things have gotten a lot dirtier since then. Louise: And you are more of a show-off. Just because Helen she has a maid twice a week. George: Twice a week is a cleaning woman, we're gonna have a real maid with a uniform, one it fits my position. Remember I worked my way from the bottom up to the top. Helen: So does a gopher. Oh, God, Tom it feels so good to disagree with him again. George: Let me tell you something else about the support. It's got to be a full-time door. Use it, good-bye. Louise: George, will you shut up!? Shut up! George: I'm tired of this. Get out. Lionel: Uh, uh, I hate to heard you fight when you're really rolling. But we can hear the music in there. George: Who we who-who? Lionel: Oh Jenny and me. George: You and Jenny you mean she's got you locked in that bedroom with our long. Lionel: No we don't, we got Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder, Rolling Stones. George: Don't give me that, look, you might have been playing, but I know you wasn't listening. Jenny, come out here now. Jenny Willis: Why? Lionel: Oh pop knows we're messing around. Jenny Willis: Oh-Oh well, okay as soon as I can get to my clothes. George: You'll come out here right now, young lady! Jenny Willis: All right. Anything you say. George: You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, both of you. And right in your mother's house too. Lionel: Well, there's only one honorable thing to do, dad, force me to marry. George: Now you hold on. Aren't you gonna say anything to her? Helen: I don't think that color blanket suits you, Jenny. Jenny: Okay, i'll take it off. George: No, don't! Lionel: Now you satisfied, pop? Come on. Jenny: I'm not going anywhere. Lionel: What you mean, you ain't going nowhere? Jenny: I mean, you can't tell me. Jenny: Who do you think you're. Don't tell me I. Lionel: Now-Now you heard that? And see that's how y'all were. Louise: That was a great imitation of you, George. George: My son, he is. He could've stopped me before me too damn fool out of myself. Louise: He didn't know you when you were born. George, why do we have to fight so much? If we have a problem, why can't we just talk it through like Tom and Helen? They don't fight. George: They don't cause they scare of fight. Helen: What's that suppose to mean? George: You know what damn well what it means. If you two really started going to another one, inside of five minutes, he'd be calling you. Helen: Don't say it! (bleeping) Helen: He said it. Tom: Now you listen to me. We had lots of fights and it's never happened. George: Oh and don't tell me you never crossed your mind. Helen: No more than it ever crossed my mind to say the word honky to Tom. George: Ha! Well, how can you say it just hanky? Tom: Come on, Helen. Let's go. George: That's the best idea you've had all day. Helen: Tom, i'm worried. Tom: About what? Helen: Just now and then. Why did that word honky ever crossed my mind? Tom: Why should I? Don't you think words like that crossed my mind too? Helen: Yeah, but even when we've had our worst fights, you've never called me (bleeping). Tom: That doesn't even crossed my mind. Helen, remember you told me you used to have a lot of terrible fights with your sister? Helen: Yeah. We could have filled Madison Square Garden. Tom: Ha-ha. Well didn't you have any crazy thoughts there. Helen: Sure. I can even remember wishing her dead. Hey, can you realize that? And I really loved it. Oh I felt so guilty. Tom: Yes. You see, honey? We can't stop crazy thoughts from popping into our heads, nobody can. What matters is not what, passes across our minds, it's how we live our lives together. Baby we've been doing that pretty good. Helen: Damn good. Mr. Bentley: I, beg your pardon. I'll uh, come back later.